Blur

i've been hellaciously busy being a drunk and trying to spend quality time with my four closest friends in New York. In the past week and a half I've consumed the equivalent to four bottles of ketel, two bottles of patron, and half a pound of french fries.
I've gone to Tim's restaurant, Highline, three times. But only have gone once to the bar that I once worked at. I've had about fourteen cups of coffee, and have met about 5 guys that I could have hooked up with.
But this trip wasn't about sex, nor was it really about partying. Although the party life is hard to avoid if you're a gay New Yorker. It seems to permeate every gay activity. You can't seem to have a group of gay men together without it turning into some kind of cruisey affair with cocktails/drugs and flirtacious banter.

I came out here to formally say goodbye to the New York that I know and love. When I finally get to move back to New York, the city will already be different. Sure, the bigger aspects of the city will still be there. The service will still suck at restaurants, and the N train will still break down four times a day. Times Square will still be full of annoying tourists, and fashion weeks will still happen in Bryant Park. Models will contiine to make mere mortals like myself feel inferior at the gym, and I'm certain that the Meatpacking District will still feel like the intersection of Hell and New Orleans.

But certain things and places that defined my own personal New York will have changed or will be gone forever.
The Cock, a no-frills gay bar full of dirty thrills in dark corners, will be finally closings its doors by the end of June.
I used to live at the Cock as one of those dirty East Village boys- eagerly attending after-parties in small apartments.
The Cock was an instituion in gay New York life because for many of us, it what was the promise of gay New York was all about. It was dirty, unabashadly cruisey, and it was full of cool guys.
I eventually outgrow my Cock phase- tired of the cigarette smoke, the dirty unwashed boys, and loud music. But I do hold that time of my life dear in my life because it was the start of my romance with New York. For me the closing of the Cock is a very sad thing; I'll be saying goodbye to something that defined my first year in NYC.
But I know that something else will replace it for the children.

My friends will undoubtedly change. Maybe become more like adults. I'm sure by the time I come out here, two of them will own their apartments. They'll change careers, give up drinking, have boyfriends, and start drinking again.
I'll be a phone call away from them, but I'm going to miss the silly times we had over brunches and in bars. I'll miss being there to help them celebrate promotions, to console them when guys are jerks, and to be able to goof around on a Sunday afternoon. I'll miss the laughter from just being in each other's presence.

In coming out here, I know that I needed to get my fill of New York- of its smells, its chaos, and it's energy, because it's madness fuels my ambition and imagination.
LA is a very different creature. It's nightlife is horrible, it's people ambious about becoming movie stars. There are no nighlife celebutantes, no real VIP lists other than those that contain the names of celebrities. I won't be part of a crew of party kids- people who dance all night, live for good DJs, and stll seem to make it to the bartending gig the next day. I'll have to drive everywhere. I won't run into friends on the street. I'll be stuck in traffic for hours a day. AND I'll be waking up early to get to work, but hopefully my life out in LA will be good. Im hopeful that the sun will shine down on me with new adventures and new friendships. That I'll find myself at the beginning of a new phase in my life with a new career.

I'll miss New York City more than I could ever imagine missing a city. I'll still consider myself a New Yorker, and with that....I promise to myself that I will return.

I love you, New York. I'll be back.
But with a more stable career, a better head on my shoulders, and with all the expectation that New York is going to be my home for a very long time.