Let Go Already!

I'm posting a blog that I didnt post before because of its bitter tone...but seeing as I'm now making an attempt to finally let go of my EX and that messy relationship, here you go...on the web for the whole world to see. Yes, I'm a very messy queen:


Originally written May 18th:

Being away from New York for two months has given me enough distance to recognize a couple things that I couldn't see before because I was either too self-involved or too distracted. But I think that most of us, regardless of where we live, are like that. It's hard to be objective about the dramas and the people in your life when you're going through the motions of living. But it's particularly hard when you're knee deep in club openings, gay gossip, and one-night stands. And all of it is partly fun because they are distractions.

The most disturbing revelation being that I'm more of an angry little man than I had initially imagined. I mean I've always known I was angry, but the level of fury boiling inside of me is now scaring me.
I'm angry at Bush, my parents, my friends, BUT most especially...the EX. He's no doubt a good man, but he REALLY fucking hurt me. The ending of that relationship sent me into an emotional tailspin of epic porportions. And I've realized that I'm really fucking angry at him for continually telling me it was my abusive behavior that ended it all. Well, let me tell you, my friends, my EX was just as abusive as I was- if not more. I had to deal with as many breakdowns and tantrums as he did- and had to be told constantly BY HIM how lucky I was for being his boyfriend. Well, EX, I'm no longer going to allow myself to be your scapegoat. Go buy yourself a dog and kick it around.

The real KICKER is that the EX started a romance shortly before ours. I remember the pain I felt when I came over to his apartment four months later, and found pictures of the guy on his corkboad, in his kitchen, on the bathroom mirror, and in his bedroom. Only to be told by the EX that he was only dating the guy to sever our relationship....RIIIIGHHT. To that I say get a backbone. You're a 40 year old man and you couldn't break up with me without starting another relationship? Imagine the pain I went through knowing that the man I loved had a new boyfriend. And he's tried telling me that they were just dating...

Well being an experienced dater, I know that I don't put up 10 pictures of guys I'm casually dating unless I want to be reminded of the guy....OR did he put those pictures up only to hurt me? Whatever the case is...the knife is still in my heart.
Fuck....told you I'm still angry.

I can't even continue this posting, I need a cup of coffee, a cigarette, and a minute of deep breathing.