Spank Me Daddy

So last night Michelle and I met up with my old friend Johnny at the Gauntlet.
Johnny is an insane nut.
He went to Berkeley and befriended this jewess who went to high school with a jewess in my dorm.
So of course the two gals tried to set us up even though we're so not each other's type.
We may have sucked each other off, but thats about it. He's like a sister to me now, but I only get to see him like once every year since he goes to law school in Ohio.

As I approached the seedy leather bar, he was waiting outside, his thin 6'2 frame leaning against the blue stuccoed wall. (blue stucco, ewww..)
He was holding a water bottle filled with jack and diet since he's still a lush even if he is broke.
He perked up upon seeing me, rushed over to me and without hesitation said,
"Oh my god, Astro, I met some guy off of Craigslist, and he came over and jizzed all over my ear. Can you get HIV from that?! My ear totally hurts!"

And he was being dead serious.

Anyways, I had forgotten that you can't bring a girl to a leather bar. Michelle screeched upon entering, the big burly men turned and glared at me for bringing vadge into their lair of testosterone, and John kept asking me about his cum-laced ear.

Of course I fell in love with the bartender and several of the patrons. I think I'm destined to become a bear. That or I'm just really tired of the skinny primadonna queens that frequent West Hollywood. I want a man with muscles, a bit of fat, and a little edge and not Lindsay Lohan. (Lin-Lo)

I suggested we hit Akbar, where we hung out for a hot minute. But I was tired, and wanted to go home to shop online for a cardigan and cashmere v-neck sweater. (I want Gucci, but Michelle keeps trying to get me to buy Polo Raph Lauren Purple Label. I'm a skank, not a prepster)

My best friend Chow called me a couple nights back about an attempted mugging that occured to him in the Lower East Side.
Fortunately, the cops apprehended the street rat and Chow is 100% fine.
Makes you want to carry mace and a big stick. And a security guard with an even bigger stick.

Tonight I'm going to my friend's party for his personal trainer's birthday. Oh yes, kids, that's LA for you.